Monday, 21 September 2009

Three years on...by Alexandra Grace's Mummy x

I'm writing this blog three years to the day after losing my beautiful baby girl Alexandra Grace. This was the day three years ago we heard that her heart had stopped beating. Tomorrow she would be born silently into the world.

A question that I often get asked is “does it ever get any easier?” For me, the answer to this question is just as much yes as it is no. I'd like to share my own personal experience as a mummy to a stillborn baby and hope that this helps others in some way. Some things you may relate to, others you may not as we are all different, but for me......

Coming home from the hospital without my baby was just the hardest thing I will ever have to do in my whole life. We had spent months planning, getting everything ready and talking endlessly about what our little baby would be like and what kind of parents we would make.Our house that should have been filled with new baby noises, was instead filled with a deafening silence. My body still thought I had a baby to care for. My milk came in to feed her, my arms ached to hold her, but instead we had her funeral to plan.

Just 2 days before, my husband and I had hugged each other excitedly as my first contractions began and said “we are finally going to meet our baby”. I remember this like so many other things so clearly & I hope that one day these memories will make me smile. I still have quite a way to go to get to that place. It still rips my heart out thinking about how happy we were & how perfect our life was then.

It takes just one minute for your world to be torn apart. Just one minute and a few words. All of a sudden, everything that you once knew and believed in comes crashing down around you. The world all of a sudden seems like a dangerous and dark place. The utter shock, despair and disbelief is indescribable. I can not count the times I uttered the words “I just can't believe it” & have to say I still can't to this day. Those very early days, weeks and months seemed so long, but looking back passed by in such a blur.

I always imagined grief to consist of lots of crying and feelings of loss. Whilst of course this is part of it, no one could have prepared me for the other feelings that go hand in hand:

Numbness – Sometimes, not being able to cry or feel anything at all.

Guilt – Why could I not protect my own baby? Did she suffer whilst inside me and I didn't even know? Could I have done something to change what happened?

Regret – Why didn't I get myself to the hospital when I first thought there was something wrong? Why oh why did I not spend every minute I possibly could with my daughter when I had the chance? Why did I not take lots of photos, why did I not hold her for as long as I could?

Jealousy – Why me? Why us? Why our little girl? Why does everyone else get to bring their baby home & I can't? (I now know very well this is not the case, but this is how I felt) I did not for one minute wish what had happened to us onto others, but just wanted to be them. To be carefree with my little girl in my arms.

Anger – At the whole world. How could it still be turning when my baby had died? & more to the point, how can a perfectly healthy baby just die for no reason?

Loneliness – There is nothing lonelier than grief. I am extremely lucky with the support I have received from family & friends and I know that others do not have this support. The truth is though that no one can help. Although they feel pain too, no one can fully understand the depth or despair that is felt & how your life will never ever be the same again as a parent to a lost child, unless they have been through the same.

Re-living – re-living & feeling every moment as if it were happening again & again.

Longing – For Alex. To hold her. To hear her cry. To see her eyes open. To get to know her. To do all the things I should have been doing.

Longing – For the old me. The old carefree me that believed that everything always turned out ok in the end.

These feelings are so intense and still can be to this day. Time will never erase them. I know that now and most days accept that they are a part of me and always will be. I would say the only feeling there that has changed over these three years is the jealousy. I now feel pure fear when I hear of another persons pregnancy or see a pregnant woman and just inwardly hope with all my heart that everything will be ok for them.

Another of the hardest things is eventually having to return back to the real world constantly swinging between all these feelings. I remember how easy it was when someone asked how I was, just to say “ok” & to force a smile on my face when really inside I was dying. How could I possibly explain and there is nothing that can be said or done to make it better or easier, so most of the time I just said “ok thanks” and carried on. I remember returning to work and just crying inbetween all of my appointments for months. All of my thoughts were of Alexandra. I felt like I was living a lie trying to be as I was before and that my life would never ever return to any kind of normality again. I could not stand seeing pregnant women and children. It tore my heart apart thinking how my life should be and I still to this day can not get past the feeling that I let my beautiful daughter down so badly.

We did a lot of things in those early days to grasp at some kind of hope for the future. All things that are stressful in themselves & are “not advised” in early grief. We moved house, we got married (a wonderful day), we used all our wedding money to start up Alexandra's Angel Gifts and we became pregnant with Alexandra's little brother. I wont go into that here, as that's a whole new blog getting through another pregnancy, but all of these things did help us. Although extremely hard, they did give us hope and they gave us something else to think about, although in reality, nothing at all can take the pain & all those feelings described above away. It was still with me everyday & I still felt that I was living a lie as inside I was crumbling away. Some people believe that a new baby will heal all, but that is simply not possible. You can never replace a life that once was, no matter what happiness comes into you life afterwards.

It's a difficult thing grieving for a daughter that you did not see physically alive. When you lose an older relative or friend, the memories of times together and being able to talk about that person and what they were like eventually brings you some comfort and smiles amongst the grief (although of course, I am not suggesting others grief is any less, just a little different). All we can do is wonder and imagine. Some people may think that this is easier, to not have known her before losing her. I would give anything to have this knowledge. To have seen her with her eyes open & to have got to know her personality. Alexandra was our first baby and I look at her little brother and see all the amazing things that he does and still can not begin to comprehend the magnitude of what we have lost and it sometimes leaves me feeling completely bewildered and almost as though I am watching it happen to someone else through someone else's eyes. It can't have happened to us. It only happens to other people.

But gradually and so gradually that I did not even notice to begin with, I did start to feel “normal”. But not normal in the old me kind of way, but more of the new me. The new me that accepts that I will never get the old me back. That accepts that I will never have a carefree pregnancy or parenthood ever. That accepts that a normal part of my life each day now is to grieve for my little girl & always will be. I still cry most days for Alexandra, but this is normal & just part of my life now. I also have happy times in that same day where I smile and laugh and feel genuinely happy. I did not think this possible in those early days, but it really is.

So what has my little girl taught me:

  • That I do not just need to grieve for the death of my daughter, although this is hard enough, but also for the part of me that is lost with her.

  • That time is NOT a healer when you have lost a child. BUT, although on bad days the feelings are just a intense as the early days, the bad days do eventually get further apart and the days inbetween are easier.

  • That I am a better person and parent having had Alexandra touch my life.

  • That I can do many things that I never even imagined before.

  • The kindness & thoughtfulness of people, even strangers, has at times completely blown us away.

  • That I have amazing family and friends that I am truly grateful for.

  • That I need to treasure every moment that I have here, as it really can all come crashing down at any moment.

  • That I am not afraid to die when it is my time, because I will then be with my daughter.

  • That despite the pain and sadness, happiness is truly possible after such tragedy.

I wish with all my heart that Alexandra was with me now. I wish so much that instead of sitting here writing this, that I was baking her a 3rd Birthday cake and getting everything ready for her party. That goes without saying. But, if I had a choice as to whether to have lived my life without her being with me for those precious 9 months and to not to feel this pain, or to go through all of this again with her a part of me, I would not hesitate to choose my daughter every time.

I love you forever my beautiful little girl xxx

106 comments:

  1. jeanette caitlyns mummy x25 September 2009 at 22:05

    So sorry.... you wrote exactly how I feel
    it's so sad that we have to go through this.
    God Bless lil Alexandra...RIP lil girl x

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  2. sarah stellans mummy27 September 2009 at 16:14

    i'm so sorry for your loss i gave birth to my beautiful son 5 weeks ago mirroring your heartbreaking story we are still waiting for reasons why.although i wouldn't wish this on anybody it's so comforting to know i'm not alone x

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  3. I lost my son, Sam, on September 6 2009, he was born alive but had limited time as we leared he had a devastating syndrome that would take him soon. He passed away at home aged 5 months, I do feel as you have described, and I have a five year old boy too who is grieving in his own way for his adored brother. Thanks for your blog, as at least I know some-one else understands the intense feelings and emotions that change you forever. We will never forget our angels and I do hope we will be reunited with them again. x

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  4. You said every thing i feel i felt like i had writen it, i lost my little boy 5 weeks ago he died during birth he was full term he was so perfect and i'm so empty inside .
    i have 2 boys who keep me going and my dear husband that i love very much god bless my charllie xx

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  5. Sammy, Jaydens Mummy:
    I lost my little boy Jayden just over a week ago...I was 33 weeks pregnant - although my story is slightly different to yours all the emotions you felt are exactly the same as me. I too feel empty, I headed to the hospital excited at the thought that i was soon going to be a mummy, unfortunatley I was rushed into theatre for an emergency C section due to loss of contact with Jaydens heart beat after being at the hospital for 3 hours on monitors - I had suffered a Placental Abruption and Jayden was born sleeping.
    I spent 3 days in hospital but was comforted with getting to see Jayden whenever I wanted - those precious moments will live with me forever. He was so tiny but perfect in everyway.
    He was my first child and I don't doubt for a minute that his soul will be in the children I plan on having in the future.
    I have had so much support from my family and friends and although like you this will never take the pain away has comforted me knowing there are so many people out there supporting me.
    I have kept busy this week planning Jaydens funeral but know that after Jayden is laid to rest with the angels I will be back at square one.
    It's comforting to know that people have been through similar and have got through it. All our babies are playing together with the angels and of course we will all one day be reunited!
    Thank you so much for your words - they have helped me! xx

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  6. I too lost my daughter in similar circumstances. She would have been 11 this year. Whilst I have a lovely healthy son, I still grieve for her and those lost years. No child can replace her.
    thank you for the words - they have brought me comfort in what is her birth month.
    PS. It is good to be able to write her name and see it in print

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  7. Hi, I lost my baby boy 13 years ago. Unexplained stillbirth. I was on my own as father not interested. Only family was my mum, but she has recently passed away after 9 years of dementia at 81. I know you cannot replace the one you lost...but it took years till I found someone half decent...and now, after 5 years of ttc, we are going thru unexplained infertilty. All the feelings you describe have came back threefold, the jealously, rage and lonlieness. I totally envy people with any sort of family, as I feel ive lost everyone. And I am not even married as he has to live and work away alot which doesnt help. Life is very isolating as no-one understands and Ive a whole history of depression. I to cannot wait to join my son, my only child, and rest of family as its so very lonely and painful here. Love to you, and thanks for sharing your story and this website xxx

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  8. It has taken me so long to read everything here as I have cried so much and not been able to see through my tears. everyhthing that everyone has said is so true. I find myself in town either rushing out of a shop because I cant cope with hearing a baby cry or wanting to look at every baby I see out and about.

    I lost Izzy in July at 35 weeks. we had her montiored one Saturday and all was fine and the following week went to a midwife appointment and there was no heart beat. It took a week to induce me (I became very unwell) and still ended up with a C section. I was in hospital for another 6 days in which I was able to hold her everyday.

    I still cant beleive it all happened and she is not with us. We had wanted her so much after nearly 7 years of trying and 2 treatments of IVF we still did not have our baby girl.

    I miss her so much, we had 2 stars bought for her and so every night I can look up into the stars to say goodnight to our beautiful sleeping beauty, Isabel Ann. Hugs and Kisses from Mummy xxx

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    Replies
    1. I am so sorry for your loss, we lost our daughter Hannah at 38 weeks, she was an IVF baby and since after 5 treatments of IVF all I had was 2, 3 month losses. It was 9 years ago now that we lost Hannah it is hard to remain without a child to keep, but this year I am raising money for SANDS and hoping it will help research to prevent others going through this. it gets easier in some ways and harder in others. I miss Hannah every day. xx

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  9. Audrey Giannas Mummy2 October 2009 at 23:13

    Dear all

    Reading all these comments it has made me realise im not alone with all these feelings im experiencing.

    My little Angel Gianna came into the world early when I was suspected to have cancer they done some minor procedure and 24 hours later she decided she was coming.

    The medical profession advised not related and who am I to question.

    Gianna lived for 5 weeks and that short time were the happiest and the saddest time of my life.She fought like nothing I have ever seen in my life and amazed docs surgeons despite being 1 9oz when born 3 months prem,heart duct prob,her bowels being removed due to nec bug.

    However one day God just decided she had enougth and the doctor advised we had to let her go

    The day she died was 1st time held her and got to bathe her little dead body.

    I wake with nightmares of watching the monitors go down.

    It now 7 months on seems to have hit me like a brick and every feeling concevable is going through my mind I wonder if ever will be the same girl again I just cant cope with the pain in my heart.

    I find myself talking to strangers about it in street as my heart just breaking and like the other comments looking at babies and longing they were mine.

    I want to get over this so much but every time I take step forward I take 3 back

    I wrote this poem and read it at her funeral and now when look at it I think of all the things I wish had told her before she went.

    ITS TIME THEY SAID TO LET HER GO
    THIS CHILD OF OURS THEY’VE COME TO KNOW

    THEY TRIED SO HARD TO MAKE HER WELL
    BUT ALL THE WHILE HER STATS JUST FELL

    SHE HAD MORE TUBES THAN EVER BEFORE
    HER SERIOUS CONDITION WE COULDN’T IGNORE

    WE KNEW GIANNAS LIFE WOULD SOON BE OVER
    OUR ONLY REQUEST WAS COULD WE HOLD HER

    LAID IN OUR ARMS SO PEACEFUL & AT REST
    WE KNEWS IN OUR HEARTS WE DID WHAT WAS BEST

    WE LOOK AT HER FACE & NO LONGER SEE PAIN
    I KNEW FROM THE LOOK THAT JESUS JUST CAME


    WITH LOVED ONES AROUND US, SHE PASSED THROUGH THE LIGHT
    FOR 5 SHORT WEEKS SHE MADE OUR LIVES BRIGHT

    WELL SEE HER AGAIN IN HEAVEN WE KNOW
    ITS STILL VERY HARD LETTING HER GO

    IT ISNT EASY SAYING GOOD BYE
    WE MISS YOU SO MUCH ITS SO HARD WE CRY

    LOVE MUMMY & DADDY

    If anyone wants to talk feel free to email me on flooringwise@hotmail.co.uk

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  10. i was just reading what everyone had wrote.

    i lost my baby girl on the 21/09/09 i was 20 weeks pregnant. i feel everything the same. im trying so hard to get on with life but i find every day so hard. i miss her so much she was due on the 26/01/2010 its the day after my birthday i thought what more can i ask for the best gift in the world. but it was not ment to be. i have now got a tattoo with her name on my wrist and she will be forever loved and missed.
    if anyone what to talk email me at emma_b_15433@hotmail.com would like to chat to others that are going though the same.

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  11. STEVIES MUMMY ALY SAYS I have read all these very sad stories thinking no one could ever feel pain the way i do my story starts differnt stevie was born 12 jan 1989 normal birth i already had 3 children we had a great 2 and bit years with him on the 10 april 1991 is when my heart has never felt a pain as that day he was knock over by a car he was rushed to hospital doctors had to bring him back then he was airlifted to another hospital we stayed at his bedside then on the 12/04/91 i had a second pain which has never gone stevie died at 3.05 that morning my life has never or will never be the same it has been 18yrs and 6months and my heart is still broken i miss him more than anythink no child can ever replace cos i feel my family is not complete he will always be there in my heart and mind but it always comes back to reallty i always think to myself one day we will be reunited he would celerbrating his 21 birthday on 12/01/10 cos its always why me why did god punish me this way life is not fair love and miss you forever my little man love mummy x x x x

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  12. In 2001 I lost my daughter - Sarah Elizabeth at 2 days old due to Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome - was not diagnosed ante-natal. I was luckly i had her home for 2 lovely days. My heartfelt thanks go the Neo-Natal Unit at Princess Royal in Glasgow for all their help and support. I have also has 2 miscarriages since then. I ready had a daughter who was born in 1998 - if it wasn't for her I probably wouldn't be here now. I miss then all so much xxx

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  13. Fletchers Daddy says
    We lost our son on the 19th September 2009 and he was born asleep on the 21st. He was full term and I still cant understand why it happened to us! I too understand exactly the feelings you describe.
    My wife and I are both strong people but this is just eating away at us from the inside. One minute I feel fine and the next I am having to remove myself from the work place to have a good cry.
    Shrewsbury Hospital were fantastic from the moment they broke the news to us. We spent a wonderful 5 hours with Fletcher holding him and taking photos and for I will always treasure those hours - they certainly helped in a small way.
    I am shocked that so many people have to go through this pain and would not wish it on anybody else.
    RIP Fletcher - I will always love you, Daddy xx

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  14. I have them exact same questions i lost my baby girl keira grace she was full term and i was 2 weeks over also there was nothing wrong at all with my baby girl but unfourtunately the hospital failed to look after me in the way they should and didnt monitor me all was well when i first wen it as i was getting induced and keira decided she would come herself and i remember being so scared and exited that i was going to have this gorgeous baby girl in a few hours and then it all went from good to bad the midwives checked the babys heart at 10.00 pm and relised her heart had dropped and i got rushed for a c section keira was born alive she lived to be 9 days old bless her she was a little fighter and if only the hospital had of done there jobs propally and looked after me and my baby keira would of been here today and that makes it alot worse to know there was nothing wrong with her and she should be here, i feel like its never going to get better i am only 19 my self and i cant believe it has happened this should never happen to any body at all. sweet dreams angel love you always mammy xxx

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  15. Angel Cheree Symons-Bassetts mummy,

    I just want to say your website is truely inspirational and is lovely tribute to your daughter and im so thankfull you allow us to share this with you and honour your daughter and our daughters memory. Thank you!

    Your story had me in tears, I am so sorry to hear of your loss and of all the other losses too, i agreed with everything that you said regarding the emotions of losing a little baby.

    My precious baby daughter Angel, was born ASLEEP on 15th Auguest 2009, i was 21 weeks and 6 days when she was born. I got told at my 12 week scan that my little baby had fluid around her and after some tests on her chromosomes we found out we was having a little girl and that she had turners syndrome-this is a condition that only affects little girls and where a little girl only as 1 x chromosome instead of 2, we gottold that our little girl may need a minor heart operation when born-as minor heart problems are common with Turners Syndrome and that our little girl may need a little help as she got older to help bring puberty etc on and when she was an adult she may need help with conceiving herself,we was shocked and upset to take all this in but other than this she would lead a virtually 'normal' life, so we were thankfull that she not appear to have anything life threatening and that our baby daughter would live!! At 17 weeks i had to go back to check our daughters heart, we got told our baby Angel had a very poorly heart and that i may lose her while she was in my womb, we was absolutely devasted, i had to go back every week once or sometimes twice a week to have a scan to check our little girls heart was beating, at 18 weeks we got told our little girl was deterioting and all her organs appeared to be shutting down-they could tell by the amniotic fluid being so low that she was not weeing as much as should be and this meant her kidneys were packing up-we got told that the next time i had a scan they would not be surprised if they did not find a heart beat-but the next time we went to our surprise and happiness our daughter was still with us and better still there seemed to be improvements-the doctor and specialist midwives all referd to her as a little fighter-as we and our family did too. At 20 weeks and 5 days i was referred to birmingham hospital to speak to a fetal heart doctor to discuss our daughters heart condition, we got told the overall prognosis was extremely poor-our babys chance of survival was extremely poor. At 21 weeks and 3 days i had another scan and i can remember looking at the screen trying to find her heartbeat-looking at her daddy to see if he could and then i just remember how my everything just stood still and the doctor turned to me-but i already knew what she was going to say-our baby had gone-she was fast asleep! My precious baby daughter was born asleep on 15th Auguest 2009, me and her daddy gave her a life time worth of kisses and cuddles and told her how she is so very loved and always will be, we had a little blessing for her and we have lovely little photos and hand and foot prints and other little keepsakes of our beautiful baby daughter, as soon as we found out we was having a daughter we named her Angel-little did we know how perfect the name would be for as she is a true pure Angel now.

    We feel blessed for the time that we had her-its so much better than us not having her at all!!

    We go to the cemetry every day and we keep her little 'garden' beautiful.

    We are lucky to have two other beautiful daughters, our precious Angels sisters, Kasey-lee and Elysia, in them we can see what a wonderful and perfect little girl our Angel would be and through the and in our Hearts our baby Angel lives on.

    To our eternally loved baby, Angel Cheree Symons-Bassett, youre just like all the other Angels and too precious for this earth, yo will be forever in our thoughtsand always in our hearts, Angel of ours you are so loved, so very loved, god bless sweetheart, love your mummy and daddy XxxxX

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  16. I had no idea when I lost my Little Boy , how many people this affects. I had problems from 8 weeks and was just praying that we made it to the end. Sadly that was meant to be and I went into labour at 22 weeks and gave birth to Thomas Robert on the 1st September 2009. I have never understood what people meant when they said " my heart has been broken ", now I understand and it hurts so much.

    Reading your story and your thoughts has helped and I think what you are doing is amazing.

    One of the hardest things for me is not being able to register him as he was born before 24 weeks, I find this hard and it feels like even though to me and my family he will always be a part of us and a member of this family, I cant make him an official person. I hope that makes sense.

    We had him christened and had cuddles, Kisses and told him we loved him and will always love him, we also had him buried so we all have a place to go.

    Thank you all for sharing your stories it helps to know you are not alone.

    Sleep tight my little angel, Mummy daddy and your big sister miss you so much

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  17. Faiths Mummy..

    First i just wanted to say how lovely this website is and how it helps everyone who has gone through this.
    I lost my little girl just over a month ago, i was 38 weeks. i thought everything was going fine could feel her kicking around just like normal and then the next day when i went in for my appointment with the midwife they couldnt find a heartbeat, my heart felt like it had stopped my whole body went numb for like a minute i didnt know what to do. they sent me for a scan as they said the little machines dont always find it at a late stage but i still knew something wasnt right that had never happened before. when i went in for the scan i couldnt even look at the screen i was that scared of what i would see but then she said the horrible words that nobody wants to hear and from then on it felt like my whole world had gone. i got induced but it took 4 days before my labour started and them 4 days felt like the longest days of my life just layin there knowin that you was going to have to give birth to your baby that wasnt alive, i just hoped and prayed that they had made a mistake and that she was going to come out healthy and crying but that never happened.
    I gave birth to my gorgeous little girl Faith on the 19th of september 2009.
    you will always be in my heart Faith and there wont be one single minute of the day where i dont think about you.
    R.I.P my little angel love you always mummy x x

    R.I.P Alexandra x x

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  18. Adam's Mummy

    My little man Adam was 2 years, 4 months and 6 days old when he passed away. He was eating his lunch at nursery, where he loved to be, when he choked on some food. The nursery staff were unable to dislodge the piece of food and after calling for an ambulance (which went to the wrong nursery) he was taken to our local hospital. The staff there did manage to remove the piece of food but after spending 15 minutes trying to re-start his heart, whilst it eventually did restart, sadly the damage caused by oxygen starvation was just too great.

    He spent 4 days in PICU at the Leeds General Infirmary being monitored and on a ventilator but died in my arms at 18.24 one day before my birthday. his father and I agreed to organ donation and he saved the life of a 3 1/2 week old baby boy by donating his liver, small comfort.

    I feel all the emotions mentioned by so many of you above. Some days I feel there is nothing to get out of bed for. It has been 9 weeks and 1 day since he died and despite the fact I gave birth to my second child on 10th October, having been 7 months pregnant when Adam went into hospital, I still feel so sad and lonely without my little man.

    Adam was everything to me. I laid on his bed last night talking to him and telling him that I couldn't live without him and do not want to live without him. Life is not the same without him. I know I am not alone in my pain and although family and friends are trying their best to be there for my husband and I, they simply cannot possibly comprehend our pain.

    I only hope that I will start to feel better soon.

    Forever in our hearts little man xx

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  19. I've readall of your stories and i feel as little better knowing i'm not alone.

    Our beautiful daughter Skye was born asleep on 6th September after being told on 4th there as no heartbeat. I then had severe pre eclamsia and was close to dying.

    We have support from our family but I feel all of the feelings in the original blog and don't know how to go on.

    Skye will be with us forever and I think about you all day every day xx

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  20. Hi everyone,

    I am the original author of this blog and am completely overwhelemed with how many people have taken the time to reply and have struggled to see the screen through the tears whilst reading your stories. They have each stayed & continue to stay with me each day.

    I thank you all for sharing your very precious babies & experiences with me and all the other readers. I wish with all my heart that no one had reason to comment or read this & am so sorry you are also feeling this pain. I can't believe that anyone who has suffered this should go on to suffer more ongoing tradegy as some of you have. Life is just so very cruel & my heart goes out to you.

    I noticed that some of you have left a contact e-mail on your comment. You have all inspired us to set up a new penpal support page on the website. Please take a look and let us know if you'd like to join. You don't have to share your story unless you feel comfortable with this, but do keep checking back to see if there is someone you'd like to contact. Here's the link:

    http://www.alexandrasangelgifts.co.uk/pages/Penpals.html

    Take care & thank you again for so much for sharing xx You are all in my thoughts.

    Mummy loves & misses you so much Alexandra xxx

    Lisa xxxx

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  21. I have just read through everyone's stories,with a lot of tears have relised I am not the only one this has happened to. I have just lost our beautiful baby boy Harvie, he was due to be born on January 16th 2010. I gave birth on september 7th after finding out at 21weeks his heart had stopped. Noone or nothing can prepare you for this news, I felt numb and still do at times, I am finding everyday hard knowing he would of been being born soon. I am lucky enough to have had 3 beautiful boys before Harvie which I am gratefull for whom are helping me through this terrible time, but on the other hard it does not take the pain away of losing Harvie as i Know after having had 3 boys what i have lost from losing Harvie.

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  22. Gabriels Mummy

    I lost my little baby boy 5th October 2007, at 21 weeks. I had a placenta abruption and there was nothing in this world that could have helped us. To this day i still feel pain that my little boy isnt with us i look at the stars and know he is with the angels i miss him so much.
    We have an older son who at the time was 6 and understood his little brother had died, he still gets upset but we talk and he knows Gabriel is in a happy place. We have since gone on to have a little baby girl we adore her so much and know that Gabriel was looking after his little sister when i was pregnant and still is now.
    I go to a support group that was set up by mums who have lost their special angels and it has helped me with oure loss of Gabriel. xxxxxxx

    Claire xxx

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  23. Jensen Caleb's mummy

    Like some have said before, I find myself moving forward in my life saying to all that I am ok but inside I feel dead when I say those words. It is an automatic response to protect me and those asking the question of me.

    I lost my little boy April 4th 2008 because of poor midwife care. Everything I went through was supposedly 'normal' and I was always 'overreacting' to the changes in my body over the last 4 months of my pregnancy. Turns out, I had gestational diabetes which caused my baby to be born at 38 weeks at 12lbs 6oz. Imagine going from sheer happiness with my water breaking on 2nd, going into hospital only to be told that my baby had no heartbeat and that I would have to deliver him naturally. 36 hours of induced labour later, having asked for a c-section twice, I was reexamined as I was starting to become ill and suddenly the discovery that I would be unable to have him naturally and an emergency section needed to be done. The relief at that point was immense. I just wanted to drift away. I even had random thoughts that if something went wrong during the surgery, at least I would be with Jensen. Then common sense kicked in and I remembered not to be selfish to everyone who wanted and needed me to be ok. My mother, my father, my brothers, my husband. And I felt cheated that I had to stay for them.

    14 months on, I have a beautiful little girl. Alyssa Caitlin. She is my world. She is the reason I had to fight through all the emotions of guilt, hatred, remorse, absolute desolation. Now there is joy again in my life with sadness in the background for us all. Alyssa will never know her big brother and I feel she has been cheated out of that. I cannot imagine my life without my big brothers and I wish she could have had the same. I only have the hope now that she will be a big sister in the future.

    As for right now, I am living day to day enjoying my daughter and the light she has brought to our lives. She is truly a godsend. She is loved.

    Elizabeth Gorte-Clarke xxx

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  24. Kate's Mum,
    it breaks my heart reading all these stories.we lost our beautiful little girl on 5th.September 2009. She was stillborn and like so many others, there was no apparent reason. She looked liked a healthy little baby, apart from the fact that there was no movement.We are still waiting on post-mortem results, as there is a delay. I cry for our daughter every day and feel so lost and empty,she is our first-born and we were so excited at becoming parents.it was tough getting through all the hurdles such as, organising her funeral,registering her stiibirth, her due date, family get-togethers without her, holding my friend's newborn babygirl who would've been friends with our little Kate. I'm dreading Christmas.our house feels so empty and i cannot bring myself to sort through all the stuff we had got for her. We are trying to keep busy and get on with our lives, although it is hard when all i can think about is the beautiful baby we have lost. I will treasure the photos of her, her little lock of dark hair, her handprints/ footprints, the blanket she was wrapped in and the constant image of her in my mind. Kate, you will never be forgotten... until we meet again someday.

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  25. To all Mummy's who have lost a precious Angel.
    I lost my baby son Harry on Christmas Day 2008 at 23 weeks. I have read many of the comments above and it really comforts me to realise that I am not alone, other Mummy's are going through the exact same feelings that I am now. The only difference is that whilst we faced extreme pain at our loss, we had hope. Harry was an identical twin and his brother was very much alive. Our babies suffered with Twin to Twin Transfusion and whilst we underwent laser surgery to save their lives on 22nd Dec, Harry was not strong enough to survive. On Christmas Day he became a star. We clung onto our live baby and against the odds, our beautiful son Oliver was born prematurely at 28 weeks, weighing just 2lbs 2ozs. We faced more heartache whist he was in the NNU for 9 weeks but he is now a happy and healthy 9 month old. However every day is etched with pain, I look at Oliver and there is a huge void where Harry should be. People have said to me you are lucky you have Oliver and whilst this is very true it does not take away the pain of our loss. We did not get to see Harry, I had to carry him after he died for 6 weeks until Oliver was born and we were recommended not to see him after that time. I know exactly what Harry would have looked like, Oliver, being identical twins but I wonder what would Harry's personality be like? Would he have been like Oliver? Would he have been quieter, louder? What would he have become? Questions we will never know. Questions I would give anything to know.
    I am scared as Christmas is coming up and with it brings horrendous memories of last Christmas for us but we have to be strong as it is Oliver's first Christmas and he will keep us going. Harry, I will love you forever and would give anything to hold you in my arms and be a proper Mummy to you, to watch you sleep next to your brother, watch you play together, to play with your older sister Lauren. But you are a beautiful bright star now watching over your brother and sister. Love You so much. Mummy X

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  26. rhiannas mummy
    i had my little girl at 24 weeks on 29/10/2008 i just went into premature labour for no reason and right up to the point of her coming down the birth canal her little heart was still beating and then stopped suddenly.she had the placenta wrapped around her and think this could of been the cause of her death.
    i have 2 grown up sons shane 23 and tom 18 and have been with my partner andy for 16 years we hadnt got any children together and after suffering a year with depression finding out i was pregnant at 39 and even more so with one tube and ovary was quite a shock and lovely suprise.i was on quite alot of medication for depression and managed to cut it down so i had to have quite a few more tests and scans than usual but they all came back fine and to find out i was having a girl was beyond expectations.i was so heartbroken and still am as it never goes away.my dad passed away 7 weeks after i had rhianna on christmas day and i find comfort they are buried near each other.

    i just want to say i love you rhianna and i dont know why you never made it and hope grandad has got you safe in his arms

    love forever mummy xxxxxxxx

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  27. My thoughts are with you all .my beautiful baby Henry was born sleeping at 37+3 wks on 22.07.09,I think of him every day and my heart is broken,have just discovered that I am pregnant and I am so scared.

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  28. Daniels Mummy:
    my beautiful baby boy was born at 26 weeks on the 14th October 2009. He survived 18 hours before his little body could not sustain breathing & his lungs collapsed. me & his daddy held him in our arms as he was blessed & he gently passed away. i held him for such a short while but in my heart i shall hold him forever. we longed for a child for so long & he was our little miracle, our angel. now he is up on his magical star watching over us all waiting for the day we can be together again.
    night night little one god bless wait for us there in our happy place xxx

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  29. I lost my first child, a little boy called Michael in 1968 and the heartache is still as strong today whenever I see a premature baby on TV or on 18th November which was the date that he was born and died (as he was only with us for a few hours).I only saw him in the incubator for a few minutes and never got to hold him or go to his funeral because that was the procedure all those years ago...so I sill grieve for him. I wish that I could have held him as he passed away because that would have helped me.

    I was lucky enough to have 5 more sons, all full term and healthy but is still doesn't take away the emptiness that I feel when I think of my little lost angel.

    This years anniversary was particularly painful as my daughter in law gave birth prematurely to twin girls Amy and Jamie(who were just 2 ounces above and 2 ounces below Michaels birth weight)on 14th November. Sadly Amy passed away on 17th November (the day before Michaels anniversary). The memories came flooding back and I relived the pain that I had endured all those years ago. Hopefully Jamie will pull through as the doctors are please with her progress.

    I couldn't face seeing her at first but have now been to visit. Although its painful to see her little body with all the attachments I am glad that I plucked up the courage to go and see her.

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  30. To all the parents who lost there little Angels.Just like Nevaeh's Mummy and Daddy

    I lost my little girl Nevaeh on the 27th oct 2009.She had serious heart defects which i found out at my 20scan.I was told that she would need a number of opertations to correct her heart which was serious.I had her a week early on the 10.9.09 which i had to have an C-section.when she was on the special care unit all i could do was see my little girl laying there so poorly and so small,with all machines attached to her.Later that evening i was told she had to be moved to leicester royal infirmary because they think she had brain damage aswell.They moved my little girl there and i was then told by the doctors she did have brain damage,not only the heart problems but her brain aswell,the most important things on her tiny body.There was nothing they could do for her,they took her off the ventalator and i was told she would pass away in minits,But to there surprise my little fighter didn't want to.1week went bye and she was still fighting to stay alive all by herself,the doctors couldn't belieave it they got it so wrong.After a week i was asked if i wanted to go the the Rainbows childrens hospice with Nevaeh,even though she was still alive she would still die but when she was ready,So i went to Rainbows with her for end of life care.The staff at rainbows thought she wasn't going to be there very long with them as she was so poorly.They was amazing with us did everything for us that we wouldn't be able to do with Nevaeh in years to come,they made our time precious for us in the short time we had with her,As days went by and weeks went on Nevaeh was still with us and her tiny body fighting,we seen her cry when she wanted to be picked up,seen her look around when she heard my voice or her daddys,her tiny features changed everyday.By this time we thought the doctors got it wrong how could her heart be so poorly but still be with us.We seen the doctors after 3weeks of us being at Rainbows they was surprised she was still with us,But he didn't give us a good outcome after he examined Nevaeh.said she was still very poorly and very serverly brain damaged she still wouldn't survive,he said everything we was seeing her do was her brainstem doing it all.After 6weeks 5days our little Angel (Nevaeh) fell asleep and was laid to rest on the 5th November 2009.We are so proud of her how she fighted to stay with us for so long.It doesn't take away the pain of loosing our baby girl by writing this but i no how all those mums and dads feel to loose someone so precious and close to them.

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  31. i was 9 months pregnant and had a car crash and lost my baby liam and fiance craig and his parents its been three years nw and i have a new baby boy jayden hes just turned 1 and when you said about people saying it would be easier they said it to me but its not every time i look at him i wish liam would be here more. and everything you have said thats how i feel and felt aswell. i'm so sorry about your loss xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  32. Millie's Mum

    Its been 9 weeks since I discovered my baby had no heartbeat and 8 weeks since she was born. I will never forget the day I went for my scan and was told there was no heartbeat. I think I knew because I was looking at the screen and thinking why is my baby so still? I can't see the heartbeat flickering away! Only 2 weeks previous my daughter had been very lively at my scan, the midwife actually said she was a wee show off, now nothing!

    We waited 4 almost 5 weeks for the post mortem results to be told that there was no answers, Millie had been fine. Well why then????

    I put on my face for the world and smile and tell everyone yes I am fine thanks, but really I want to scream at them of course I am not fine, what a stupid question or just plain old leave me alone but of course I don't do that.

    This site has really helped me but the ache in my heart is so strong there are days I feel I will not be able to carry on but I have 3 other beautiful children who are 10, 8 and 1.

    The midwife tried to book me in on 22 October 2009 to deliver Millie but that was my son's 1st birthday so she agreed to let me wait til the weekend. I honestly don't know how I got through that week of carrying my baby knowing she was dead but I couldn't waste my baby man's 1st birthday and every other birthday after that.

    Millie has taken a huge part of me with her and I know she is up there with her great gran's and grandpa's watching over us.

    I want to thank my family and friends for all their support and especially my partner, without him I would be a total mess. Love you xx

    Love always Mummy, Daddy, Brooke, Ferne and Leo xxxx

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  33. Our beautiful boy Warren Stephen McGregor was silently born on the 16th October 2009. I started having contractions at 40 weeks then the next day I felt a hugh stretch then nothing I went to the hospital the next day but keep telling myself and my husband it's ok he's just sleeping when they told me there was no heart beat I couldn't believe it how cruel I thought to allow me to go so far then take him. I had a c section thank god I could not have coped giving birth naturally I really thought I would crack up. Warren died because of a 'true knot' in his cord. I held him as much as I could I tried to give him all the love I would have given him, I sang to him and held his hand and gave him a million kisses. My husband and daughter (shes 10) and I are devasted at our loss. I would like to thank everyone who has shared their precious memories of their babies it has given me comfort to know that others are sharing my pain and heartache, not that I would wish what we are going through on anyone else.

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  34. Reading this has comforted me so much, i lost my little girl on the 24th august 2009. I went through 6 months of my pregnancy without anyone knowing as i was only 14 at the time! But when everyone found out i had great support from my family and friends, my daughter Lilly-Paige was a stillborn and its horrible knowing there isnt a reason for her death, as im sure you know. It was horrible planning Lilly's funeral thats not what i should of been doing, i should be looking after her. It helped because i was keeping myself busy but after the funeral i just went back to sqaure one, not knowing what to do or who to talk to so i had councilling which helped me so much, im feeling better now but im just waiting for it to hit me. I always have a good old cry but its good. It's also good because Lilly's grave is a 5 minute walk from mine so if i ever want to go see her for a little chat i can and its really comforting.

    I love you Lilly-Paige Corbett always in my heart baby girl xxxx

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  35. I went fullterm with my Daughter Katherine, I had a normal deliver with her its was a lovely sunny sunday 20/09/1986 at 18pm and me and my husband Kenny were loving the thought of being new parents at the time, but next day being monday me and Katie, thats what we called her for short,were enjoying cuddles when we could as new mummy's had to rest for 2 hours on morning so be ready for visits on the afternoon, everyone came and said she was beautiful, next day we having a cuddle when a nurse came said can we give Katie a bath and I said yes but thought it was weird that I didn't go down and half an hour later nurse came ask me to come down and have a talk about Katie, I was on my own as my husband was getting the house ready for Katie, anyway there was 3 dr's in the nursery and there was a chair in middle of the room and they asked me to sit down which I did and the news was that Katie had murmur and clicking hips, they were bothered about her heart and sent to scbu for more tests and they said they would us to newcastle Freemans heart hospital for more check ups when she need them, Katie was getting sorted out and I went to phone my husband up and explain she had a murmur and clicking hip and she will get treatment for it all, so we sat with her and gave her bottles of milk and my family came to see her and thought she was perfect and looked really healthy, Tues the nurses put a drip and got fluids into her, its hard not being able give loads of cuddles, and she enjoyed them too, by wednesday which 23th of july, it was Prince Andrew and fergie's wedding day so the staff put a spread on all the mums and staff, I went down to feed her a bottle but she had to be tube fed as she finding hard to suck a bottle by then, the nurses told me to go and get rest but I had a feeling that something was wrong with her, so I went down to see her and they were putting a tube in her arm to her mdicine to her heart, the nurses stopped me first to explain that Katie was dying of heart failure and that waiting to take up to Freemans heart hospital and we got there for to open heart surgury at 4 days old that operation didn't work so they kept her alive with drugs and she had her 2nd operation which worked but 3 days later she had heart failure which she tried to stay alive but she was weak at the time, so on the 11/09/1986 Katie pass away at 1.40am and when porters came for me and my husband, she had gone to be an Angel,we found out she had 4 things wrong with her heart but staff at Freemans heart unit were the best they looked after me and Kenny and the care they gave Katie was the best we could ask for her,this just over 23 years now, since then I lost my husband in 28/11/1989 of Asthma attack.
    I miss them both, I have 3 girls now who I love dearly, they keep me going or I wouldn't be here now.
    R.I.P KATHERINE RUTH MALLETT
    R.I.P KENNY MALLETT miss u both loads xxxx
    R.I.P RUTH GRAVES (MUM) 13/05/1997
    R.I.P JOHN HENRY GRAVES (DAD)03/08/2001

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  36. Reading this made me cry so much, our beautiful boy was born asleep on the 7th November 2009, only 8 short weeks ago, but it feels like a complete lifetime. We had been TTC for 10 long years after successfully having our first daughter with no problems, we were so very excited to be having a boy a little brother for our daughter who longed (and still longs) to be a big sister. when we heard the words that our baby's heart had stopped beating at full term our life was blown in tiny little pieces. It is the only way that I can describe it.

    I feel like I have been through every emotion known possible but still i wake up on new days with new emotions to fight through.

    I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story with us, it must be so emotional for you write about it, I am emotional just writing this short comment. Thank you for sharing and thank you for setting up Alexandra's angel gifts. It is such a lovely thing that you are doing. I hope some day the pain i feel will be easier to live with. at the moment its still soul destroying xxx love you baby boy xxxxx

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  37. I've found this site and blog completely by accident and I cannot believe how similar out stories are.

    My daughter Ffion was born sleeping 23rd Sept 09 at full term and the results show that there was nothing wrong with her, she was perfect and should be here now.

    I've found myself really struggling since the new year as i think i tried to be strong to get through Christmas for my first daughter who is 22 mths old. Now i feel like i'm at the bottom of a deep black hole.

    I think you are very brave to put yourself out there and give people something to relate to.

    x Love to you all x

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  38. It is as if I could have written most of that myself. My little boy, our first much longed for and much loved baby, was stillborn on 1 September 2009 at 39 weeks and 4 days.

    The feelings you describe are so true, the physical ache of my arms, the longing to hold my baby one more time, to kiss his soft cheek.

    The guilt, wow yes I feel so guilty. I feel responsible for letting everyone down especially my baby and my husband, even though I know my little boy died due to a fluke of nature not through anything I did or didn't do.

    Jealousy, I feel so terribly jealous of everyone around me who is pregnant or has a new baby.

    I am terrified of what my future holds, I desperately want to be a proper Mummy and do all the things I wanted to do with my little boy.

    I still cannot understand why life can be so cruel to some people, but I know, like you, that I would choose the 9 months I had with my baby boy inside me over never having experienced that, even though my life feels like a living nightmare.

    I have met some amazingly brave ladies on this journey, ladies with whom I share something most tragic and something no mother should ever have to face.

    Thank you for sharing your story.

    xxx

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  39. im so glad i found this site....there is som amazing things on here for keepsake.
    I gave birth to my daughter on the 3rd Dec 09....just over 6 weeks later my daughter died from S.I.D.S sudden infant death syndrome.
    I had an amazing 6 weeks with her and so did her big brother Jake. Its so hard and painfull and i sit and think its never going to get easier...!
    i just really do cherish the time i had with her and i cant imagine how mothers feel when they never get the chance to take there babies home...i have alot of friends and family and we have raised alot of money to go to the S.I.D.S research...i just pray 1 day they find a cause and cure for cot death because the last 2 weeks have been the worse time of my life by far!!! im so so glad i found this website because theres some georgeous stuff on here and i will be buying.
    i will never forget my Lydia-Jayne !
    and i love and miss her so much its unbelieveable!
    xxx

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  40. I found out yesterday that the tiny baby I delivered 4 weeks ago was a little girl. Having the news made everything all seem real again, it had felt like a dream, had I really been pregnant??
    The pain is just unbearable at times, the words you wrote really have helped me. Made me cry, but having people out there knowing the heartache, and emotions makes me feel less alone.
    I have been blessed with 2 children, and without my boys I would have no reason to get up in the mornings, my little boy always has a smile for me, he needs me so much. Why couldn't I help my precious daughter? That is something I will have to live with, even though I've been told time and time again there was nothing I could have done to stop what happened, but it doesn't make the feelings of guilt go away.
    I now feel that people think I should be over this by now, I cannot expect them to understand. I do the day to day things, but my mind is always away with my angel.
    She was my fourth loss, and the thought of getting pregnant again fills me with dread, eventhough I so want try again, can I really go through this again.
    Thank you for sharing your story, hope all our angels are being well cared for, till we meet them again.
    x
    ps I purchased a bag charm for a friend who has suffered to, she loves it.

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  41. Sophie...Ella-Mays Mummy

    Im only 18 years old and I gave birth to my beautiful daughter just days ago on the 25-01-10. She was stillborn and perfect in everyway. I would go though it all again just to hold her one last time. I hadnt felt much movement off her so i went to the hospital to be monitored and they couldnt find her heartbeat..
    i wanted to end it there and then , just knowing that i had to give birth to my baby , that she wasnt going to be alive i wanted to die.
    Theres so many questions that need answering..i was 36 weeks pregnant and she was only measuring as a 30 week old fetus...why didnt my midwife pick up on this? that she wasnt growing at the rate she should have been?? im furious!! Maybe something could have been done.
    Im sorry for all ur losses because i no exacly how your feeling ..completely numb , empty , exausted from the constant crying . the need for my baby. does it ever get any easier??

    May All Our Sleeping Babies R.I.P x~X~x

    We will meet again one day my beautiful baby i love you so much , the angels will look after u up there , sleep tight x~X~x

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  42. I am sorry for the loss of your baby girl :( .
    I love your site though, there is finally a place i can find something to leave my little boy, he was taken 5 years ago now an hour after he was born, i feel as you do, although not getting to the place where i have a new me yet, but now i have hope that someday i might, i imagine you have touched so many people we wouldn't be able to count them, thankyou for sharing your story and giving us some hope and understanding :) best wishes to you and your family .x

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  43. hiya every one, i lost my beautiful litle man mattie when i was 23 weeks 3days pregnant, the hospital treated me like dirt which i felt was because i was a kid to them, i was 17 and capable of of giving my baby the perfect life, they woudnt come and see to me if i were in pain, they even tried sayin i wasnt in labour but i new they were wrong, my waters broke early, and they never did anything to help me through it, they just said that il get over it, which i never will, its been 2 years now on the 16th jan 2010, i miss him so much, me and my partner buried our little boy on the 23rd jan 2008 we dressed him in a tiny little hat scarf combats and t-shirt which we got from a teddy bear, which we have at home with us, we now have a 8month old little boy eddie who we love to bits, me and my partner have comfort by believing that mattie went for a good reason which was to be an angel soo he could keep us all safe because he was to perfect for this world, we go and visit him every sunday with a massive bunch of flowers and present, we decorated his grave up nice for birthday, mummy daddy eddie love and miss you so much, your our very own special angel, we will meet in heaven 1 day my handsom little man xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  44. It is comforting to know that I am not alone; knowing that others have found the strength to carry on with life eventually gives me back some hope. Alexandra's website is fantastic and I want to thank all the other parents who have shared their very difficult stories.

    Benjamin Anthony Weaver was born at 28 +6 weeks on 25th September 2009, at a tiny 1 lb 8oz. The consultants decided a c section was necessary at this stage as he was just not growing and gave us a 50/50 chance of survival. He proved himself to be a little fighter, struggling on through 2 bleeds in his lungs and conquered other various difficulties unfairly thrown at his innocent little body. Luckily, we had the chance to enjoy 4 wonderful months with him, there were certainly highs and lows but all his brain scans were fine, he made it to 4lbs and we had opportunities to bath him and enjoy many treasured cuddles. We were told Benjamin was almost ready to come home but would need a tiny operation to close a duct in his heart. Unfortunately Benjamin seemed to write his own rule book and a problem with his wind pipe meant an hour operation turned into 7 agonising hours. He was put onto an ecmo machine (to help his lungs recover) for a week but lost his tremendous battle for life when they found his brain was dying after being starved of oxygen for so long during the op - agreeing to turn off the machines was heart breaking.

    This was on the 22nd January and I have been going through many of the emotions mentioned above. Jealousy, loneliness and guilt seem to consume every waking moment. Wherever I look there seem to be reminders of what we have lost-television, song words and of course it feels like all my friends are pregnant! Nevertheless there has to be some good which comes out of such tragedy and our fabulous friends and family have helped us to raise almost £10,000 to help Derby's Baby Unit who gave us and Benjamin such fantastic support. This gives us the comfort that Benjamin's short life will not only change our lives forever but will also touch many others.

    Benjamin we will never forget you my little star. You inspired us all with your strength and fight for life. Daddy and I love you so much and you will always be in our hearts. Sleep peacefully x x

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  45. Hello all.

    I am so deeply sorry for ALL of your losses. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl named Angel on 27th december 09 due to PPROM. The pain today is no less than it was 8 weeks ago and i can relate to EVERYTHING that has been written on this post.
    Anyone wanting just a chat pls email me
    babyangel271209@hotmail.co.uk or visit my blog http://thebrighteststar.blogspot.com

    god bless all our Angels xxx

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  46. lynsey blackburn8 March 2010 at 11:00

    just wanted to say hi to all those sad mums and dads who are going through hell at the moment.i gave birth to my beautiful little boy jacob in 2003 i was 30 weeks and unfortunatly due to my placenta not giving him enough oxygen was born asleep.i was and still am heartbroken and having to walk out of a busy maternity ward passing relatives carrying teddies and balloons for their new arrival was torture.i think about jacob every day and my two daughters often talk about him which is lovely as quite alot of people have erased him from their memories as if he never existed !! im sorry to hear all of the sad stories on here but its also conforting to know that im not alone in my experience!! i love my special little boy with all my heart xxxx

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  47. Frazer Owens-Leonard mummy said...

    I have just read through ur blog I only stumbled accross ur page while looking for a wee stone for my angels grave.. I was 27 weeks when our wee angel Frazer was born sleeping, he was so perfect in every way, but unfort my placenta was just not strong enough to keep him going for another few weeks... My husband and I are totaly devastated and everything in your blog is just exactly how I feel, and at the minute I dont think I can ever feel normal again, my husband too is so bitter and angry and we are finding it so difficult.. Its amazing how many people have been through this you never think of it to it actually happens to you... I have so much respect for you and what you have set up in memory of your little girl, your determination and will really has inspired me.... Thank you so much...xxx

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  48. hi everyone, reading these made me weep so hard it hurt, i too lost my angel nattassia jaide 23/02/2001 she was horn 3 month early weighing only 1lb 4 oz. she was born with her skull cap missing they still do not have any answers why? she stayed with me for 6 hours and died silently in my arms at 11.27am. i now have a tattoo of an angel on my wrist as a rememberance of her, thank you so much it has taken me this long to accept the things i could not change and not to blame myself. my heart is with you guys always!!

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  49. I am so glad i stumbled upon this website, it is lovely and It is so comforting to know that there is other people out there who is experiencing the same emotions and frustrations that myself & my partner are going through. We lost are beautiful twins at 29weeks after having a wonderful pregnancy and two healthy babies up until then. We had a little girl Sophie and a little boy Lewis, now two beautiful little angels in heaven, they were born sleeping 20th February 2010 after my labour was induced. I have rhesus negative blood with antibodies C and D, the post mortem results havent come back yet but I think that my blood has been a problem. is there anyone else out there with this blood group who has experienced the same as me, I feel i am getting worse instead of better as time goes on.

    Goodnight Sophie & Lewis, Mummy & Daddy love and miss you both very much. xxxxxx

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  50. HI

    I just stumbled on this website. I read your original text and I just kept nodding my head as i could've written it myself. In the beginning I had all consuming anger and this went on for over a year and had me exhausted along with the guilt, pain, fear, tiredness, envy, oh so, so many emotions, it was like a rollercoaster, I hated being who I was, I went to counselling and expected it to cure me but this grieving is a process a long long process, it wears you out. I had a three year old at the time, now nearly six and he made me get out of bed in the mornings to get him a drink etc. Our little boy, Zak, was born at 32 weeks, he had Patau Syndrome and as such his condition was " incompatible with life" a phrase that still haunts me. He was 2lbs 10 ozs and lived for an hour and a half, we had him baptised and we to to know him a little, not enough of course, but he was a such a fighter. Only half of his brain ever developed but still he fought to breathe for that long so we could meet him. We now have an 11 month old boy and he is perfectly healthy thank Gd, our two boys are. Its been two years and 4 mnomths and I feel sick when I still relay the story its still hard to believe it has happened to us, you always think it happens to somebody else. I now know who my true friends are. I had and still do have issues with not wanting to be this person and to go back to being the old me - I used that phrase of yours "new normal" a lot. Thank you for telling your story and I absolutley don't mind being contacted by other parents. Maybe when I am having a better day I will tell whole stor t you all. I hope you find peace within your own souls and even though it is something I am still trying to convince myself of, we are not to blame and we did not harm our children - its a path laid out for us, unfortunately but we can help each other through.

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  51. I thank this website very much. Like everyone else I feel the same, we lost our son Christian at 2 months old on 23/03/2010.

    He is our world and I don't know what to do without him. This whole process has been made harder as we don't know what caused his death. We are so grateful to family and friends without them mine and my partners lives would be that much harder. This has affected us all in a massive way. At the moment we are all just igsisting not living. We are grateful to Christian for waiting long enough for everyone to get to the hopsptial to be baptised before he said goodbye. I don't know how we are going to get through his funeral and for the rest of our lives. I never thought I would have to even consider stopping his breathing tube, a lump in throat always comes when im remembering everything that happened at the hospital which is every second, minute, hour of every day. This is the poem that I will be reading at the chapel.

    My silent child
    our precious baby,
    Close to my heart
    I'll keep you with me.
    An important job
    God has for you,
    There is love to give,
    and work to do.He needs an angel
    strong but small,
    To shine light on many
    and give love to all.
    Before you go
    I give you this,
    half my heart
    and one last kiss.

    We'll miss you dearly
    that we know,
    But by God you were
    chosen,
    So to heaven, you must go.

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  52. I feel the same as everyone else on this site. My son Christian passed away on 22/03/2010, he is 2 months on 23rd. We miss him soooo much and I cant believe we have to arrange our babys funeral he is the most precsious person in our lives and he has so many clothes that he didnt get to wear. I didnt get to see him crawl, walk and I wonder what his 1st word would have been. The one good thing about this whole BS situation is Chirstian felt the the love from everyone at his baptism he waited the next day before he whent when even more people turned up at St Georges hospital. I carried Christian for 42 weeks my delivery was horrible and getting better is a slow process Im still getting over the epidural my whole body goes numb.
    When the hospital told me that I need to get up and start walking I was thinking how Im in so much pain and then they said if I did't I would not be able to look after my son. When they said that I turned and looked at him and got up, Christian always gives me the strength to carry on, even now. This is one of the poems I will be reading at his funeral.

    My silent child
    our precious baby,
    Close to my heart
    I'll keep you with me.
    An important job
    God has for you,
    There is love to give,
    and work to do.

    He needs an angel
    strong but small,
    To shine light on many
    and give love to all.
    Before you go
    I give you this,
    half my heart
    and one last kiss.

    We'll miss you dearly
    that we know,
    But by God you were
    chosen,
    So to heaven, you must go.

    Mummy and Daddyy miss you so much Christian and we will always love you from the bottom of our hearts. xxxxxxxxx

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  53. In 2005 I gave birth to twins at 28 weeks - we knew that the boys were coming early as I suffered from a condition called twin to twin syndrome, where one baby has more blood vessels than the other so one twin is small and starved of oxygen, blood etc and the other can be getting too much which can be equally dangerous. My waters broke and I was admitted to our local hospital but unfortuantely they didn't have the facilities to look after babies of that gestation, the London hospital I was booked in with was also busy, so I was flown from our home in Essex to Portsmouth. Luckily my husband who could not come with us in the helicopter drove down and seemed only to get there minutes after us with my parents not far behind. Our little boys were born on the 30th Aug 2005 - Elliot was almost 3 pounds and Cameron almost 1 pound - we knew our little boys were very sick and at first took every hour day by day. The fought very hard, and we were the proudest parents. We were spending all day in the neo natal unit and were initially allowed to stay at the hospital but this stopped as soon as a sicker baby was admitted and we were nearby in a travel inn.

    After a 6 weeks we were able to move back to our local hospital and the boys grew stronger and developed there own personalities. Elliot layed back, very chilled - Cameron fiesty and cross. It soon became apparent that Elliot was going to be fine and we were able to take him home - still visiting Cameron every day. Three times we almost got him home, only for him to develop another infection, a hernia or inhale his milk and need to be re-ventilated. He was always a sick baby but was so quick to smile at us when we walked in with his special brother.

    Sadly on the 1st March 2006, he couldn't fight anymore and we lost our precious son. Anyone who tells you that it gets better with time has not lost a child. I have days that are better than others but I will never be that person again. I still feel raw and angry and like there is a hole in my chest. I have had counselling which helped and Elliot is a huge comfort. At nearly 5, he is at school and thriving - he helps me in ways he is not even aware of - just yesterday he told me that he could smell cameron - and he made a brick tower as big as he could because he told me he was going to heaven to get his brother back. It's tough when he talks like that but a comfort as well.

    We have since had another son, a normal pregnancy and birth and Logan was born safe and well. I hope that I am a better person for having Cameron in my life for a beautiful six months.

    Thank you for this blog x

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  54. Aston's Mummy says:
    I am so sorry for the loss of your little angel. all of what you say makes sense to me and my fiance. when i was around 18 weeks my waters had broken, but we did not know for sure until my 21 week scan on 3rd september, i was admitted for 4 days where i was monitored to see if my waters would regenerate. i went home and then on the 9th of september i went for another scan and to our disappointment my waters were not there. looking at our little baby was heartbreaking because he was perfectly healthy. we were given the choice to carry on with the pregnancy or to terminate, but by the time i had my scan my contractions had started. i went into hospital on the 12th and gave birth to our son aston on the 13th september 2009 at 4:30pm. along with the heartache of losing our son i almost died from my blood loss. i stayed in hospital for 4 days, but for me and my fiance, leavin witout our angel was the toughest thing in the world. we are only 19 and were 18 at the time, and needless to say we are not teenagers anymore, we are parents of a beatuiful angel baby and more grownup than most people we know. we are thankful for the time we had with our son, even though it was short, it has had the biggest impact on our lives. but i know he is safe and we will all be together one beautiful day

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  55. I am so sorry for the loss of your daugher, Alexandra Grace. i am relieved to have found this website though, as me and my fiance lost our little boy Aston Moseley on september 13th 2009. he was still born at 22weeks and 3 days, but measured at 21 weeks, he weighed only 11.5 ounce. i suspected my waters had broken at 18 weeks but after being told by my midwife that it was normal, we didnt worry. but when we went for our 21 week scan the doctors found only 1cm bubble of water next the baby. i was admitted the next day for 4 days, then on the 9th of september we went back for another scan which showed there was still no water around the baby, by that time i had already started to have contractions. we were given the choice to carry on the pregnancy or to terminate, but it happened naturally, so we didnt have to make the harsh decision ourselves. i went into hospital on the 12th and gave birth on the 13th september 2009 at 4:30pm. we gave our son his own funeral and he has his own special garden that we visit every week. it has been so tough on us since we lost our son, and being only 18 at the time, people looked at us as just teenagers, but we are parents, and probably more grown up than most people we know. we know our son is safe but it doesnt take away the heartache. sleep tight baby boy. xxx

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  56. I can't believe i found this site.
    We said goodbye to our little man 3 days ago.
    Joseph was born 14 weeks premature on the 12th March 2010.
    He endured a 4 hr op to repair his bowel when he was just 5 days old, but recovered well, he then got an infection but again recovered and had just started to have my milk, his lung then collapsed but again they re inflated it and he was doing well, but then very suddenly and for no reason other than he just ran out of fight his little heart stopped beating, 3 times the doctors got it re going but on the fourth attempt, me and his daddy decided we had to let him go. This was the first time we held and kissed our son, we then bathed and dressed him and spent several hours with him. Our hearts are breaking and i don't know how to carry on.
    We love and miss you so much Joseph xxx
    Mummy & Daddy

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  57. I went through the exact same thing, your blog mirrors everything, and it makes me sooo sad that all you angel mummys have to go through this too. Thank you for this blog, it really does help and your website for baby gifts is beautiful.

    I had contractions and went into hospital thinking this is it im going to meet my little girl, 3 hours later they told me there was no heart beat, for the 3 days i was in hospital in labour i prayed they had made a mistake, but the moment she arrived, i knew they hadnt, she was asleep. But i was soo happy to have held her, had photos with and i am like any other mummy a proud one. I wouldnt change a thing, Im just glad i got to feel every move, kick and 'play' in the shower, and sing her kings of leon everyday, god she loved that.

    we all have to stay strong for our babies and talking to other angel mummys and going to SANDS meetings and meeting other mums makes me see that it will be ok. all you angel mummys are an inspiration.

    I miss you harper rae sooo much, its been 11 weeks since you were born with your wings and your still all i think about. mummy loves you baby x x x x x x

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  58. Hi,my sister told me about this site after coming across it after the loss of my baby girl.
    I gave birth to my daughter Grace Isobel on the 23rd of march 2010 at 17.54 she was 8lb 1oz and looked so perfect, she was stillborn at full term.Its 3 weeks on today and every emotion i am going through is the same as you did and still are for the lost of your Alexandra Grace. One minute everything was fine the next no heartbeat and all I want to scream out is "why me why my precious baby girl"
    What I do feel through the numbness is that I let her down, my body let her down.
    I spent 24 hours with Grace and I will treasure those hours for the rest of my life. Im scared where I will find the strength to carry on but reading this blog has helped and like so many people have said its comforting knowing your not alone.
    I miss you so much sweetheart, you will be in my heart forever and I know we will meet again. Love Mummy xxxx

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  59. Joe's Daddy says....

    We lost our precious baby boy (and twin) in August 2009. We think about him everyday and that will never change.

    We were so shocked when we found out we were expecting twins but we were very quickly elated. Although I can't remember since our loss, my wife tells me we spent many hours chatting on the wonderful experiences we were sure twins would bring. I now know that each baby is very special in their own right - twins or not.

    When the consultant told us Joe was gone our lives changed forever and we miss him with all our hearts.

    His twin is doing great and sometimes when he smiles I truly believe that Joe is letting us know he is in a better place.

    I hope everyone on this blog is doing OK and my heart goes out to you all.

    There are very few places that Dad's can put something down to share so thank-you.

    Miss and love you Joe.
    Love, Mum and Dad xxx

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  60. We just lost our much longed for baby girl on Saturday 10 April 2010. She was stillborn at 24 weeks and 6 days. She weighed 240 grammes but was perfect in every way. My placenta failed for reasons yet to be explained to us.

    I got home from hospital hours after she was born, which was what we wanted. We kept ourselves busy arranging her funeral and had lots of friends and family visiting to offer love and support.

    We were given mementos by the hospital; her name tags, we called her Beth, and her Blankets of Love, which the midwives had wrapped her in. Her funeral was on Tuesday 13 April. It is now Thursday 15 April and am not sure how I am going to cope. All the emotions expressed by all the Mums on this site are exactly the same as how I am feeling. I am so sorry so all your babies were taken and I feel guilty about saying that I now don't feel so alone. My husband and family have been a tremendous support but I just don't see how I can possibly get back to normal.

    It's been a comfort reading everyone's stories - sad, tragic and horrendous as they are - but again I now know for certain I am not alone.

    My husband and I intend to go for counselling but I will continue to check your website regularly as I feel strangely at peace while doing so.

    We love you Beth and always will with all our hearts, although we feel we buried them with you.

    Mummy and Daddy xxxxxxx

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  61. Hi all.I lost my little boy jamie,full term to placenta abruption in 1996,then my little girl melissa to a condition called hydrops,at 37 weeks in 1997,the pain is still the same as it was then.my heart aches to hold them again,Ihave other children,butyou can never replace the children you lose,they will always be special,and in our hearts forever,miss you so much angels..sleep tight..xxxx

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  62. Next month will be 3 years since we lost our little girl, Lauren. It doesn't seem like 3 years, it doesn't seem that long at all.

    I don't think it will ever be something I comprehend or understand, and a day doesn't go by that I wish it all turned out differently.

    It is such a personal experience, that it cannot be put into words, but President Eisenhower summed it up quite well - "There's no tragedy in life like the death of a child. Things never get back to the way they were."

    Still we plough on...

    'Lauren - Thinking of you always'
    Mum & Dad xxx

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  63. bethany's mum3 May 2010 at 19:39

    My precious little girl Bethany was born on the 14th of April 2008 in the Queen Mother Hospital in Glasgow. We had discovered that she had a heart condition at our 20 week scan, and I lived in fear for the duration of my pregnancy that I might lose her. The prognosis of her condition was very good, which we were told was correctible with a 95% success rate, but with every surgery there were imposed risks. We already have two little girls, who were 22 months and 5 years when Bethany was born, and who were so excited to have a new sister. I never found the words to tell them that their new sister had a heart condition during my pregnancy for fear that they would be upset and worry. Bethany was so beautiful, with a mop of black hair and gorgeoous skin, and we were so proud of our three girls.

    When Bethany was 19 days old she had open heart surgery, and after 19 hours of pacing the hospital grounds, we discovered that surgery had not gone to plan and out little baby was on an ECMO life support machine. My life crumbled when I heard this, and my world fell apart when I saw her covered in wires and tubes and monitors. For 19 days we sat by her bed and watched her slowly deteriorate, until doctors informed us that the machine had to be switched off, as there was no hope of heart transplant due to her poor condition and Bethany was suffering. We watched her life disappear as I held her, and couldn't believe she was gone forever.

    Telling my two girls was one of the hardest things I have ever done, watching their pain and grief whilst I could hardly bear to go on myself. I loved her so much, and couldnt understand how this could have happened to me.

    Two years on, and I have a gorgeous son, who in many ways resembles Bethany, and i have tried to treasure every moment of his 10 month life. He is so precious and I am so grateful to have the chance to love him and my two girls. I wish with all my heart that he could have met his big sister. Bethany will always be part of our family, but for us life is not the same without her. Family events and special occasions can be painful as it always feels that she is missing, and it feels that everyone around us has moved on, and we are stuck in this agonising world, lost without her. I sometimes feel that i should have moved on and progessed further in my stage of grief, and I find the anniversary of her birthday particularly difficult. Instead of having a second birthday party, I am making flowers for her grave. My children are everything to me, and without them and my husband, life would be unbearable. I love you Bethany with the stars above, and will never forget you, or how happy you made me. If only I could hold you once more, smell your skin and look at your beautiful face. Love Mummy xxxxx

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  64. read all the stories with tears streaming downmy face so sad and sorry for all of you in your devastating losses, i was pregnant with triplets in 1997 after successful IVF, one of the babies died at 10 weeks, we dont know whether it was a boy or a girl, but i have a feeling it was a girl so we call her Katie, thankfully i went on to have healthy twin boys Matthew and Gregory, god bless you all xxx

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  65. I lost my Daughter Sophie due to congenital cystic adenomatoid malformation (CCAM) - it means the lung tissue doesn't develop correctly. My hubby and I found out at almost 29 weeks when I developed Polyhydramnios (too much fluid around baby). We were told that my waters would break at any time and pack a hospital bag. I was also told I would have to give birth at a specialist hospital some 100 miles away from where I lived. We were told that 95% of babies survive this condition, but Sophie's heart and windpipe had shifted, she could not swallow the fluid, which was why I was so big. So we were in the higher risk group. At 30 weeks (on Halloween) - my waters broke. I was transferred to my local hospital for assessment then taken to the special hospital. We were told that night if Sophie arrived in the next 48/72 hours she would not make it. We were always told that the longer she stayed inside, the better. So we hoped and hoped she would stay put. Initially we thought that once my waters had gone that the baby would be coming, but because of the condition and that labour didn't start they let nature take it's course and I was to be kept in hospital to be monitored, etc. Well everything was fine, although the CCAM stayed the same (a lot of the time they shrink and go away, doctors don;t know why). My target was to get to 35 weeks. Well Sophie had other ideas, at a little over 33 weeks I went into labour - only 9 hours start to finish - and out she popped - perfect. She was taken away to NICU and was incubated, which we already knew would happen. She was so alert when we got into see her 4 hours after she was born. I remember all the tubes..... However at eleven and a half hours old, our precious little girl passed away in our arms. The CCAM lung expanded and put more pressure on her heart and her "healthy" lung couldn't cope. Our first child passed away. We had a post/m, however we already know what caused Sophie to pass away - she had a "mechanical failure". The doctor told us he was surprised Sophie lived for as long as she did due to how bad the CCAM was. That was in Nov 2009. To this day I have not yet made contact with another parent who has lost a baby to CCAM - everyone I have mentioned it to has never even heard of it. My hubby and I have just recently started trying again.......x

    Missing you our little flower, love mummy & daddy xxx

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  66. From Jacks mummy...

    Its amazing reading your blog, it totally sumed up how ive been feeling these past couple of months.. i had to make a really hard decision at 21weeks pregnant because of medical reasons and lost my baby boy, alot of my friends were pregnant at the same time and all i kept thinking was why me? as i am only 19 at a young age i felt like i had no one to turn too because i never come across such amense pain of loosing something so precious to my heart until i found this website. This website you have come up with is absoultly amazing and it really helped me through the saddest part of my life.

    Sleep tight all them angels that grew wings too soon!! I know your all terribly missed every moment of the day!


    Good night my darling Jack White... Cant wait to see you again!!!! xxxxx

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  67. Thank you for writing this blog. We lost our daughter, Laura Louise at 39 weeks and 3 days. We felt her have hiccups the night before, but the next morning at a routine midwife appointment her heartbeat was not there.

    She would have been a month old tomorrow and we are planning her funeral for next Thursday and our hearts are broken.

    I have felt all of the emotions you mentioned, along with fear - fear of the future, that this will happen again, that I don't know who I am, that I will forget her.

    I know now that I wont forget her though.

    Thanks again. xxxxx

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  68. Lisa,

    Thank you so much for this blog and with all my heart I wish that you wouldn't have had to write it or for me and other angel mummies and daddies to read it. But here we all are, sharing in this grief that noone understands unless you have suffered it yourself. Reading your words and all the posts, it gives me comfort to know I am not alone in how I feel.

    As you know from our email conversation already, my husband and I lost our beautiful baby twins, a little girl and a little boy on 29 May 2010 at 20 weeks' gestation. I still cannot believe that when I walked into hospital on the morning of the 28th, they would confirm that I was in labour. I knew of course deep down but I was in denial and I truly believed I'd be given something to stop my contractions and all would be well.

    I remember the moment we were told we were expecting twins - after struggling to achieve a pregnancy in the first place, it was just amazing. It was like all our dreams coming true and more. How we looked forward to holding our precious babies, to see them grow and laugh and smile. We were of course worried, as we had an early miscarriage previously (at 13 weeks) but each scan we had showed both of the twins was striving and looking perfect in every way. I remember lying in bed the day before I went into labour feeling one of the twins kicking away beautifully. I had a tear in my eye, it was such an amazing moment and I lay there, stroking my tummy, thinking how strong the kicks were and how I would now feel them for the rest of the pregnancy and it filled me with such joy.

    And now my heart aches, my arms are empty and I am missing my beautiful babies more than words can ever say. My heart is broken and I don't believe it will ever heal. I know I have to go on but it's a new life, I will never be the same person I was before. Everything you said Lisa, I feel. And like you, despite all the pain I feel and all the tears I shed, I would have those 20 precious weeks with my babies all over again, if that is all I was to be given. They fill my heart with such love and at the same time such indescribable pain because they are no longer with me. My beautiful, perfect little babies.

    Lisa, thank you so much for starting up your business and giving us grieving parents such comfort with those precious gifts. Thank you for sharing your story, again I take such comfort from your words - to know I am not alone. As I have said before Alexandra will be so so proud of you, just like you are of her.

    Sleep tight my precious angels, little Florrie and Isaac. Mummy and Daddy love you forever. One day we will all be together again.

    xxxxx

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  69. golly that has me in tears its how i feel about loosing rubee i was only 13+5 into my pregnancy found out at 12+6 the heartbet had stopped but your emotions say it so clearly x i hope in time i have your amamzing strenght and thoughts to see it clearly. i know i hurt and i dont want it to end but i just wish i could be me again i know part of me died when my dughter did x love to all you angel mummys and daddys x

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  70. after reading everyones story, i feel very touched, and realise that these sad events happen all the time. i lost my twin boys 7 th december 2008 at 21 weeks and 6 days. after going in to full labour,my waters broke and the team realised my waters had a bad infection. why they didnt test me for any water infections whilst i was pregnant i still dont know to this day. and i dont think i will ever know. they survived for about a hour, even though we were told it would only be 5-10mins. i treasure that hour we had with my boys. there ashes are by our bedside so they are safe and so they are close to us. we love you both very much xxx

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  71. I am so sorry to hear about this! I have a close friend who experienced the same kind of situation. I cannot begin to imagine what this might be like. You are in my thoughts :)

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  72. I had goose bumps and tears when I first found this site as Alexandra was born on the same day as my little boy Tom, & asleep - 22nd September 2009.

    It is now approaching a year since I lost Tom at just over 38 weeks. Although we found out Tom had a condition at the 20 week scan, hydronephosis, none of the consultants picked up on other complications. You would think that after lots of scans that a whole in the heart would have been seen. It seems there may be a chance of a genetic problem but we have no definative answers to our questions. A placenta abruption is the most likely cause of the stillbirth & Tom would have had major problems had he been born alive. But he may have had a chance, had we known.

    I treasure the time we had together, I long to cuddle & kiss his tiny face again. I wish his two sisters could have met him - they were so looking forward having a brother. I am so proud to have a son. He will always live on in me, my memories & my love.

    To all the angels, & bright stars twinkling in the sky - just know that you are & always will be loved xxxxx

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  73. As I have been reading your story I have felt as though it was me writing it. I lost my beautiful baby angel Liley Grace on February 6th 2010, I only had 4 weeks to go until I should have been meeting my precious baby girl, holding her and kissing her. I long for the moment she opened her eyes and she could see her mammy looking back and I could tell her how much I love her. Instead I live in hope that she is looking down and can see her mammy and know how much I love her. I feel so proud to be your Mammy Liley, cathch the kisses I send you every day xxxx

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  74. My thoughts and prayers are with you all. We must stay strong for our little Angels!

    This Past Tuesday (9-14-10) I went for an ultrasound thinking I was going to see my little baby moving around and hopefully find out the sex. My world crashed when the tech asked me if I was sure I was as far along as I thought I was..Of course I was sure! I was 15w3d!! I had felt the baby moving!! I wasnt spotting, this was my second child, I knew what to expect and I KNEW I was as far along as I thought...
    I also knew what her face was telling me, and I also knew what I wasnt seeing on the ultrasound screen. My baby wasnt moving and I didnt see the little flicker of a heart beat flashing.

    There is never 'good timing' in such a tragic event, but my brother got Married this past Saturday (9-18-10)four days after I found out.
    And this was about the worse timing it could possibly be, with all the family at the wedding, the ones who knew, asking me how I was doing. And the ones who didnt know, asking me how the pregnancy was going. I was trying to be strong trying to put on a happy face for my brother and his wife. I felt like I had to hold it together for everyone. After the wedding I came home to have a nervouse breakdown..I was so upset crying I thought I was dying..Thankfully I have a wonderful support system who has taken off work to be with me, if not for them and my 2 yr old son Braxton I think I would die of heartache.
    I feel like I cant grieve the loss of this baby, because I havent passed it yet. I have to go to the hospital in the morning to figure out the next steps.

    I realize the majority of you lost your baby's when you were further along than I was, but a child is a child and a soul is a soul. I loved this baby and wanted this baby more than anything. I will think of my baby Alex everyday and miss my baby. I have faith that someday I will be reunited in heaven with my precious baby, and that comforts me.

    God bless you all and I pray for all the families who have lost a baby. xoxo

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  75. i lost our baby boy on 24th august 2010 im 21 i was 22/23 weeks pregnant his heart had stopped beating i already have 1 boy called benson who is a healthy 17 month old cheeky boy i misscarried after benson and then to find out that i carried a baby to 22 weeks and cant understand what has happend we called our little boy michael he just looked like his big brother.we have his funeral on wenesday i feel like i dont want to go because it the final goodbye i dont get the post mortem results util 4th nov and im so frightend what the resluts are i really miss our lovley boy he going to be with my nan as she recently passed away in august if i cant bring him up my nan will.y do i feel ok some days and some days i feel soo low i think about him every minuite of the day i really want him to be here with us.im so glad i found this website.
    mummy,daddy and your big brother misses u very much and loves u dearly to infinity and beyond P..S IF ANY WANTS TO CHAT MY EMAIL IS chloe_206@hotmail.co.uk

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  76. I lost my baby Holly in May, I was 22 weeks pregnant. She had a heart problem and we had to make the hardest decision of our lives. She should have been born last Saturday and that was a sad day for us all thinking she should have been entering the world. I will never get over it.

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  77. Sarah, Isabelle's Mummy30 September 2010 at 22:09

    It feels so strange to take comfort in other peoples stories, but when I lost my baby in 2007 at 39+4, I had never known anyone to experience anything like this and felt so inadequate and alone. I still struggle with the overwhelming guilt of not being able to take care of Isabelle, she was perfectly healthy and we were never given a reason for her sudden death. We were told it is 'just one of those things' but 3 years on I still can't accept that it is. I don't think I will ever find the words to describe the pain, the absolute physical pain of dealing with the death of my baby, my arms still ache to hold her, and I still have days where the grief is so overwhelming I just don't know what to do. Time is not a healer, you are so right. But there are more good days than bad, and I don't feel guilty anymore when I do feel happy - that has been a big step for me.

    My son was 14 months old when Isabelle was born, and he has been my rock, I don't think I could have got through the last 3 years without him. I have now been blessed with another baby girl who is 8 months old, she is absolutely beautiful and is the double of her big sister! I look at her every day and marvel at her, while sadly observing what I have missed with Isabelle. I will never get over losing her, I am a completely different person since she has touched my life, and I am definatly a better parent. I value every precious second I have with my children and am accutely aware of how lucky I am to have them. It takes amazing strength to rebuild your life after the loss of a baby, and I don't think anyone can begin to comprehend the impact of this kind of loss unless they have experienced it, I hope none of my friends or family are ever in a position to fully understand me.

    My love and thoughts are with all the other Mummy's who have been through this, and god rest our little angels x x x x

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  78. Thank you all for sharing.We lost our little girl,Ifemayowa on the 28th April 2010.What a day!!Unexplained stillbirth.

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  79. I lost baby Jo on 22/11/04, after being told she wouldn't live due to polycystic kidneys which had an impact on her lungs. I had 3 choices, allow her to die inside me as and when, have her induced or carry on till full term but she would die as soon as she left my body. I chose at 21 wks to be induced which I found out later was a termination, a word I still can not say. I took the pill 3 days before she was born and lay awake all night as she fought foe her life. 2 days later after 16 hrs she was born breech and weighed less than a lb. She was beautiful and had little nails and huge feet and hands. The days that followed were dark, as were the months. I lay my baby to rest by having a funeral for a boy as the hospital told me Jo was a boy....yes HORRENDOUS!! I then had to grieve for a daughter when at post mortem I was told she was a girl. I couldn't believe the pain and horror. I had Esme Jo a year later, she was born just 9 days before Jo's anniversary. I also have Jake who is 9 and a wonderful new husband who listens, understands and shares my grief. God bless all our babies and may we grow in strength and love and support one another. What a wonderful site this is. Lots of love Lisa (Baby Jo..Joanna Maria 22/11/04) xxx

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  80. Alison - Peyton Jerri's Mummy says

    Thank you for this blog

    On the 30 Sept 2010 my husband and I were told that our baby daughter had died. I was in the hospital getting prepared for my C Section at 38 weeks pregnant. Our prefect Peyton Jerri was born sleeping on 03 Oct and I have never known such sorrow. After many cuddles and taking photo's and then having our baby blessed we left the hospital feeling so empty and trying to figure out how we would ever be the same again. Telling our other 4 children (Kera, Ellisha, Lexie and Taylor) that their baby sister was not coming home, was the hardest thing we had to do and then to arrange her funeral instead of having our baby with us, was just too much. Reading everyone's comments has given me some comfort, knowing that sadly you are not alone and that there are other's out there feeling exactly like you. All the feelings that were mentioned are a mirror to my own. Peyton Jerri is the first thing I think of in the mornings and the last at night and even though having my other children helps and for a time takes my mind off the loss, this feeling of utter pain creeps back in. We have picture's of Peyton in the house and sometimes I can look at them and be fine and then other times the tears just flow and the ache in my arms to hold her and to care for her is so overpowering. I can at times find sanctuary at home away from seeing pregnant women and those with newborn's and other times the silence at home (all my other children are at school) is too much and so I have decided to go to councselling.
    And though at the moment I sometimes can not face returning to work, in some ways I look forward to speaking with a colleague who sadly has suffered the same loss just a few years ago and know's exactly how I feel.

    Reading all your stories, I know that our beautiful babies are together up there

    To all who have suffered this terrible loss, I send my love, thoughts and prayers.

    To my beautiful baby girl Peyton Jerri - Know that you are always in our thoughts and hearts. We love you now and always.
    Until we meet again baby,I hope you catch the kisses and hugs Mummy sends up to you xxxxxx

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  81. my name is Deniece, i had da most beautiful wee girl in da world, Paige Amanda, 22nd June 2003, sadly she was stillbirth,, P aige was my 3rd child, so i new hw it went rite??? no i was wrong,, i went in2 labour, over due, Paige was kickin dat mornin wen labour started, then after w while i went 2 hosp,, bt then da worst day of my life happened!!!!! they cudnt find her heart beat?? but they had 2 wrong,, i had felt her!! then a big doctor came in very blunt& said im sorry ur baby has died,, i was 2 late 4 a csection,as Paige was in my birth canel,, i gave birth 2 Paige at 11.59.. on my own,, i jst sat waitin 2 hear her cry& da nurse said 2 me deniece was is it,, i can remember sayin,, im jst waitin 2 hear her cry!! & she said,im sorry darling shes nt goin 2 cry!!! my whole world fell apart,, hw cud tis happen 2me?? wat did i do wrong??? was i such a bad person??? nufin made sense??? my family then started 2 arrive,, everything was a blur,, i was lucky i was aloud 2 bring Paige hme,, she was wiv me 4 2 days,, ino hw u feel wiv why didnt i jst sit wiv her in my arms,,4 all da time i was goin 2 hve wiv her,, i lay wiv Paige in bed wiv me,i walked round da house,, 2let her c her house,,im glad tis page has bn set up, my heart goes 2 evry1 on tis page&every1 else out ter,, always remembered,nvr 4got,loved always,until wee meet again baby!!! all mummys love!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  82. I'm so sorry for you loss.
    You couldn't put it in better words than you have, to how the loss of your child feels.

    I lost my daughter in 2004, Tilly-leigh. She was 3 days old, and full term, she was born with a hole in her bowel and needed an op.On the 2nd day of her life she went for her op, but saddly it was the op that she couldn't cope with. She lost that fight on the 3ed day of her life, and passed away in my arms.
    It was the hardest thing I had went through.
    In June 2010 I found out I was pregnant again, it was so hard and stressful. At 16 weeks my waters broke, It broke my heart. My baby had a strong heartbeat and was kicking and moving. I wasn't ready to give up on my baby. But saddly at 19 weeks my baby passed away.
    It has been living hell. All I could think, was "Why me..Why again!" I found out 6 weeks after it happened that I had a wee boy, Adam.
    I know in my head that I got back to some kind of norm after losing Tilly-leigh, but my heart finds it so hard to deal with it again.

    This is such a lovely web site.
    My thoughts go out to everyone who has lost a child.
    xxxxxxxxx

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  83. Thankyou so much for this site..its so good to know Im not alone...I have just returned from hospital with a missed miscarriage at 7 weeks..I was just coming to terms with the little girl,Kia,I lost at 14 weeks in 2006...I still cannot begin to understand why my babies would be taken away from me..My only comfort is that Kia and my little angel are together now and not lonely.I have a little girl who is 2 and she is the only thing keeping me going.I hope one day I can make sense of all of this..In the meantime I have to stay strong for my little girl.Thanks again for everyone sharing their feelings.
    R.I.P all the little babies gone too soonxx
    R.I.P Alexandra Gracexx
    R.I.P Kia Elizabeth 11-08-2006xx
    R.I.P Little Baba 2 11-01-2011xx
    I love you both more than life itselfxx

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  84. Our son was stillborn 5 days ago, at 40 weeks plus 6. If only he was on time. Alexandra Grace's mummy has summed up exactly how i feel even down to planning for the future to try grasp at something...but the future seems pointless as all i can think about is how our son would have been involved. Im sitting here trying to plan the funeral and nothing seems right but it's 'comforting' (as harsh as it sounds) to know someone else understands X

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  85. Reading all your comments I feel warmth from the shared grief but pure anger that we all have to go through something so tragic. Lisa your words are like reading out loud my own thoughts and feelings, as though it were written about me.How can you know so much about your own child, yet not know what colour his eyes were, to never have looked into his eyes. One of the many things that will always haunt me.
    My heart goes out to you all and all the lost angels.
    Love you Little Ed. Born silent 16th June 2010 at 37 weeks. xxxxx

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  86. I knew for seven weeks that my baby boy was going to die, before i gave birth to him at 31 weeks. my baby was diagnosed with Edwards syndrome.

    This was a poem i wrote and my husband read out at his funeral. Love you always Freddie Grahame Cummins




    To Freddie

    When mummy found out she was pregnant with you,
    We felt spirited to have another

    At your first scan,
    We felt relieved that you were there

    At your 20 week scan
    We felt concern, but were sure we could fix it

    At 24 weeks we found out you were poorly and would loose you,
    We were devastated, and helpless

    During the seven weeks we felt you move,
    And we were glad and grateful you were still with us

    When they told us your heart had stopped,
    We felt heartache, we wanted you safe forever

    We did hope that you were going to survive the birth,
    But perhaps you were to poorly to face the journey

    When mummy went into labour,
    We felt anxious and afraid

    When we saw you,
    We felt overwhelming love

    When we held you,
    We felt protective and didn’t want to let go

    When your sisters met you,
    We felt pride and were grateful

    When we said goodbye,
    We felt that our time with you had been too brief

    When we walked away and left you,
    We felt lost and empty

    We will always love you,
    Remember you,
    Our precious little baby boy.

    Love Mummy and Daddy xxxx

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  87. I am so sorry i HATE the thought of any mother losing there child. my daughter was 7 weeks old when we lost her to sids worst day ever. but still remember like it was yesterday. I have 3 older children that kept me going everyday and talk of her all the time we still have her birthday parties at the cemetary every year with cake and a balloon release and a short year in a half after our loss we got pregnant unexpectedly and now she has a little brother who also speaks of her as he knows her well. I hate that anyone has to bury there child first its notsuppose to work that way. Mummy to a SIDS Angel... Arabelle Elizebeth Louise Baker 8-7-06-9-26-06

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  88. My baby boy was born 16th January, I knew seven weeks previously that i was going to loose him eventually, as he was diagnosed with Edwards Syndrome but still nothing really prepares you for saying goodbye. I was 31 weeks pregnant when i gave birth, and Freddie Grahame Cummins weighed just under 3Ibs.

    I'm exhausted. Every emotion is draining, some days i just feel empty , where i cant feel anything. And yet life continues around you, its brutal.

    This is a poem i wrote which my husband read out at the funeral, it describes to some small degree the journey before, and yet now everything is worse. you try to hang on to something, photos, hand prints are just not enough.


    To Freddie

    When mummy found out she was pregnant with you,
    We felt spirited to have another

    At your first scan,
    We felt relieved that you were there

    At your 20 week scan
    We felt concern, but were sure we could fix it

    At 24 weeks we found out you were poorly and would lose you,
    We were devastated, and helpless

    During the seven weeks we felt you move,
    And we were glad and grateful you were still with us

    When they told us your heart had stopped,
    We felt heartache, we wanted you safe forever

    We did hope that you were going to survive the birth,
    But perhaps you were to poorly to face the journey

    When mummy went into labour,
    We felt anxious and afraid

    When we saw you,
    We felt overwhelming love

    When we held you,
    We felt protective and didn’t want to let go

    When your sisters met you,
    We felt pride and were grateful

    When we said goodbye,
    We felt that our time with you had been too brief

    When we walked away and left you,
    We felt lost and empty

    We will always love you,
    Remember you,
    Our precious little baby boy.

    Love Mummy and Daddy xxxx

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  89. I can relate to you all, we have recently buried our beautiful baby girl yesterday, i was only 24 wks pregnant when we found out that her heartbeat had stopped, i will never forget that day i thought my whole world was crumbling around us, i was so sure nothing could go wrong at my stage. I will never forget our little Emily, she will always be with us in our thoughts and in our memories, i would like to send my love to you all that have had to suffer this horrible situation it simply is not fair but i hope in time things will get easier.

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  90. I can really understand all of use. i was 36 weeks. can remember the day i found out like it was yesterday. i was myself when i found out. Found out on the sunday morning didnt have her untill the tuesday. Dont know if it was just me but i thought when you pass that 30 weeks mark everything would be fine? i was just at the midwifes the wednesday before it happened. When reading all these posts i was surprised how the feelings towards what has happened have all really the same as mines. Thinking of use. i understand how hard these times are xxxx

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  91. everything i have read is exactly how i feel i had to give birth to my precious baby boy Frankie on 10th jan 2011 whos little soul left us at just 21wks gestation. I was lucky to be able to have him in with me for a couple of days in the most prettiest tiniest moses basket (supplied by the hospital) before he was taken to the funeral home. I always said I didnt agree with women having to give birth in this situation but i take back all of that as even though it was heartbreaking it was also the best thing i could've done as I got to see my little angel and give him the send of he deserved.We still visit his grave regularly and at minute it is extremely hard as a lot of people around me have been given birth to baby boys past couple months so I was so glad to have read that it is perfectly 'normal' for me to be finding this hard. I do hope in time things will get easier but I know my angel baby boy will always be in our hearts looking over us xx

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  92. Last week I went to the doctor ending my first trimester. I remember the doctor just saying to me that there was no movement or anything anymore. That he didn't know what happened... it all seemed like a blur. I cried.. and sometimes i feel like he made a mistake and the baby is still growing.... I feel like no one knows what to say... Thank you for your blog.. what you wrote is what I feel..

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  93. im so sorry.. You wrote exactly how i am feeling, i went 3 days overdue when my baby girl came along on the 20th august, but unfortunately she was stillborn. They had told me she was gone for a few days, I didnt belive them as only the night before i felt her moving, It was the most heart wrenching feeling ever! Although nearly 1 month has gone i still think i could have done something different, i wonder if i did anything wrong in the last week. But hopefully i might get a result from the post mortem in a few weeks, hopefully they will know what happened to my little angel. Its hard to believe its actually real. In 4 days i have to say goodbye to my beautiful baby girl. I miss her soo much it hurts to even talk to people! Its horrible to go through all of this, and i would like to send my love to everyone who has suffered, but hopefully things might get better through time x

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  94. I lost my little boy Michael James at 5 days old, only 12 weeks ago. I can't believe I am still here to tell my story, at one point I didn't think I would be. The pain is so, so intense. I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out. Everything Alexandra's mummy has written is exactly how I felt and feel. Michael died from Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome and other complications. He had a cardiac arrest when he was born and never recovered. I love him so much. I am sure he is in heaven watching over our family. I think the only reason I am still here is because of him. I am so sad for everyone in our family who misses him so much. He has touched so many people's lives. I feel he was sent to us for a reason. I could not have said this a few weeks ago as I was in a different place, a much darker place. Today I feel angry that this has happened to us yet if I could turn back time the only thing I would wish for is that he was still with us. The feelings I have are so bewildering and confusing. The best thing people can do when they experience this kind of loss is to support each other locally and through websites like this. I applaud everyone for sharing all their stories. My counsellor told me to write a list of positives and negatives. There were many positives in my life - all of them were people I love and only one negative - that Michael is not here. Initially I found no comfort in this but slowly I am realising that Michael was a blessing and has taught me so many things. I am still heartbroken and always will be. I am different person now. I just get up every morning and try to make the best of every day that God gives me, my husband and my daughter and all my extended family. I miss Michael every single day.

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  95. I know what you are all going through. On the 15th October I went to hospital with stomach pains to find out my Isabella had died, I was 31 weeks. On the 16th of October I gave birth to a beautiful little angel. Me and my boyfriend sobbed as we held her, smothered her in kisses and told her how much we loved her, My heart is completely broken, I miss her so much. I know it has only been 2 weeks but I cant ever imagine it getting any easier xxx

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  96. that fear.. i know what you mean.. i'm so happy for pregnant women.. but every second their babies are in utero i am terrified for them... </3

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  97. I gave birth to our son Jimi Daniel Crawford on 5th September 2011. He was born sleeping at 29 weeks. My heart snapped right then and i knew things would never be the same again. He was so beautiful,so much like his Daddy,Dan. I was afraid to hold him at first,scared of my feelings. But holding my little boy in my arms, stroking his hands and kissing him .......his smell.....i will never forget him. I still feel him, i can smell him all the time. I sometimes find it all so surreal....i cant understand why this has happened. Dan and our other two children Andrew and Chloe have kept me strong, we are all strong when together but at night i hear Chloe crying as she goes to sleep. I see Dan struggling to let go of the anger and pain that he feels. I watch Andy as he tries to be strong for me. This has affected so many of us, my family have helped us so much even though they too are as hurt by losing Jimi.I know we will get through this and i know my family unit is stronger every day. Right now i just wish the pain would go. Wish the jealousy i feel towards other mums would go......Everyday we light a candle for you Jimi, everyday we say goodnight as the light dies down but although you are not here with us getting ready for your first Christmas we never stop thinking about you or loving you. We miss you so much son, you are our little butterbean. All our love now and forever Mummy, Daddy, Andrew and Chloe x x x x

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  98. We lost our beautiful son at 37 weeks. He was a twin, our son Ryan had died but his brother Lewys was still alive. Through a c-section i had my beautiful twin boys, a day we dreamt of but never thought we would be in this nightmare and heartache. I lost Ryan in April 2011, not a day goes by that Ryan isn't in my thoughts and i know he will live on in his twin brother but Lewys doesn't replace Ryan and sometimes people think that still having Lewys makes up for losing Ryan and that definitely is not the case. I am blessed to still have Lewys but the heartache and pain of losing Ryan hurts everyday. My son was born asleep, always remembered, loved forever xxx

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  99. I could not have expressed my feelings any better. Your words say everything that I am thinking and feeling. My little angel, Maia, grew her wings on Friday, 13th January 2012 due to placental abruption. She was born sleeping 1.20am on Sunday 15th January. I never knew you could feel this amount of pain and survive. Every day is a struggle. I miss my angel so so much. I feel broken, never to be fixed. Maia I miss and love you with all my heart xxxxxxxxxx

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  100. Hello

    I had terminate my pregnancy due to medical reasons and it was the most difficult descision I have ever made and not one that was made lightly. I gave birth to our baby girl on the 24th of March, she looked so beautiful and so perfect and we named her Caitlin, the rush of love I felt for is nothing I have ever experienced before,But i cant give her that love. I will never forget those words the "Jolene there is something wrong with your baby" and I dont think my life will ever be the same again. I am feeling everything that you have described in your blog and I have taken a little comfort in knowing I'm not mad and I am not alone in what I am feeling. I feel so empty and crave for my baby so much. People tell me it's early days it will get easier but I can't see how it does and in a way I don't want it to. I'm sorry I have taken some comfort from your blog as it just doesnt seem right taking comfort from someone ele's loss. Maybe one day I might be able to look at babies and pregnant women without feeling that pang of jealousy and anger, but just now all I want is my baby Caitlin.

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  101. Anonymous I too had to make the terrible but brave decision to terminate on medical grounds as my son would have been very ill and unlikely to survive. My gorgeous boy was born asleep on 18th June and I share all of your feelings. Please bear in mind that as Caitlin's mummy you chose to protect her from pain and suffering and are bearing it instead. Surely that is the only thing as mothers we could do for our babies given the prognosis. I also feel empty and wish if only but take strength in the fact that one day we will be able to hold our angels again when they will be free of pain. Take care xxx

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  102. I just wanted to congratulate you on how well you've done to create Alexandra's Angel Gifts. Me and my partner lost our baby girl this year on August 8th due to a placental abruption, and she was brought into the world the very next day on August 9th. I was 4 days overdue and we've been told that they'll never be able to give us a reason as to why it happened. She was so perfect, I'll never forget that feeling when they placed her in my arms.. We came across your site whilst trying to find a gift to buy in memory of our daughter for Christmas, I was amazed at how many beautiful gifts you make. I had no idea a site like this would of existed but I am so thankful. Reading your blog took my breath away, it was like reaching inside my own mind to all the same thoughts and feelings. We're only in the early stages of grief, every day is a struggle, but we carry on. We have recently started trying for another baby, it's something me and my partner agreed we wanted but that doesn't take away the guilt we feel. We've doubted ourselves from time to time.. Is it too soon? What will others think? Are we ready? Will we ever be ready? We know how hard it's going to be. But of course she will always be our first, no-one could ever replace her. She is so special to us, our family and close friends. Christmas isn't going to be the same without her. If I could have 1 wish, it would be for her to be back with us, where she belongs.

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  103. Reading your blog was like reading my own thoughts. My little girl was born sleeping nearly 2 years ago at 23 weeks and I have three other children including a son born almost a year to the day Libby Rose left us. We all cope with grief in different ways but it's reassuring to know that what we are feeling others feel too. I sometimes feel people expect me to have gotten over the loss of Libby by now, especially as we went on to have a healthy baby, but nothing takes away the pain, I will always grieve for the little girl we never knew and treasure the memories of holding her and getting to show her affection for the briefest time. The biggest thing I struggle with is whether she knows how much she is loved and missed, and although our life goes on, as it must, she will always be a part of our lives and our hearts. I have found the perfect memorial ornament on your site and I will treasure it forever as a memory of my baby girl, thank you.

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  104. Alexandra's Angel Gifts is a beautiful website. Thank you for writing your story on your blog. I delivered my sleeping girl, Gracie, into the world 17/01/2013, 37 weeks gestation. She had a true knot in her cord and had wrapped her cord around her neck very tightly four times. She was otherwise healthy and perfect and I wonder why it happened, blaming myself even though every midwife said there was nothing I could have ever done. Four and a half-weeks on I am still feeling like I am living in an alternate reality, that I will wake up as heavily pregnant as ever and she will be alive in my womb and ready for the world. I felt for these weeks, when time has stood still, like I am the only one who has this immense guilt of not being the mother I should have been. I should have known something was wrong! I am lucky to have 4 boys ages 11, 7, 3, and 16 months. My little girl was my little surprise and I miss her every day. I wonder why God took my only daughter. I see so much richness and joy from my children now more than ever. I look forward to building her a little garden in the back full of beautiful flowers and a nice little memorial. God bless.

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  105. When I was reading your blog about Alexandra, and couldn't believe what you had said was exactly on how I feel and asked myself on many occassions.
    My husband and I lost our first child Leona on 16.01.2013 at 39+1 weeks. We had a hospital appointment on 11th Jan and everything was ok. I had reduced movements over the weekend and felt shakey and odd but took that due to be being so big with not alot of room for leona to move around and I thought I was coming down with a cold.
    As being told they reduce their movements before labour I took it as it was normal and didn't expect anything to go wrong. We went to see the midwife on the 15th for a stretch and sweep and had asked her to check as I thought something wasn't right and she tried to find the heartbeat but she couldn't find it.
    We had to go to the hospital to confirm and had to be scanned 3 times to confirm there was no heartbeat. Our world had just fell from under our feet. We couldn't believe it.
    We went home to tell my parents and we just cried and cried together. We went back to hospital at 14.00 and was induced at 17.00, after a grueling 14 hour labour, I finally gave birth to Leona Dorothy Amelia Powick weighing in at 8lbs 8oz at 10.40am on 16.01.13. She was perfect and we had her for a day and half with us to have some precious time.
    The hardest part was to go home empty handed, my body still feels like it needs to do something and that something is missing even though my mind knows she is not here but my body is still waiting! It was also hard to see other people taking there baby home that night when we should be taking our daughter home instead and found myself feeling very jealous. We have been having weekly counselling and now that has stopped and no other appointments at the hospital, it has been a struggle as everything has come to a close but my feelings are still there and very raw.
    We have also started trying again for another baby and have not succeeded yet. I am praying that it won't take to long as my brain needs to be kept busy. We were lucky to have a SANDS memory box given to us at the hospital and have plaster casts of her hands and feet on display. We also have pictures which medical photography took which are fantastic, so we have a shelf in our display cabinet with all the items that were given to us during our grief with her pictures has helped us through our grieving process.
    Our daughter died from a fetal-maternal haemorrhage which poor leona was suffering from 3-5 days before she died. If I was regulary monitored on a heart monitor this could have been picked up early, then she would be here today.

    What I have come to realise is that first time mums should be monitored more closely such as having a heart monitor on as standard practice in the third trimester twice weekly. I feel this should be done as standard in the aim to prevent unnecessary stillbirths or help to reduce the amount of stillbirths from happening, as 17 stillbirths every day should not be happening in this day of age of technology that currently exists.
    The hospital plan to see me every 3 days to be put on a monitor in my third trimester during my next pregnancy.
    If only they did that the first time, Leona would be here today.

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